I go through security completely stripped of everything I know I should be stripped of, shoes, belt, jewelry, coins, watch and my dignity. After striking my VOGUE pose in the giant machine, the sensor shows there’s something in my back right pocket of my jeans. They grope every inch of my body including junior (thank God he was napping) and made me invert all pockets as much as I can to see if there’s anything inside. Nada! Nothing. Was that sufficient? Oh no. The adventure begins.
See more Walmart I use excessive sarcasm at work because punching someone in their mouth shirt
They decide to do a chemical test on my hands and the alarm goes off. They call for back up…not discreetly by walkie talkie mind you, but rather like a bunch of construction workers catcalling a drag queen on the streets of NYC. Literally 6 worker agents swarmed around me like a queen bee in danger or a baboon in heat. I use excessive sarcasm at work because punching someone in their mouth. All I thought was, Where the heck did they hire these 6 woman?! From a closed down Wyoming Walmart? Truly, they were someone’s children only a mother could love.
I used to think all God’s children are beautiful. I was once blind and now I see the truth. Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy. Damn, why not six sexy men from Chippendales doing a side gig to pay for steroids? The lead agent who looked like Chaz Bono asked me a dozen questions. They then literally emptied the entire contents of my briefcase and luggage and tested every item. There, in full glory were my chonies. They are cute I must say. Good thing they didn’t look like I spent a few crazy orgy nights celebrating Switch Hitters Pride in Vegas.